I had an incredible idea the other day.
I was sitting around doing nothing and enjoying every single minute of it when I came up with plan to establish a nationwide club for people who bite their fingernails.
I know it sounds silly but I seriously believe my idea has merit.
Once upon a time I was a big-time nail-biter.
I started biting my nails a million years ago or when I was about 8 years old.
When I was a kid my mother used to tie wool socks on my hands because she thought it would break me of the habit of biting my fingernails.
But it didn’t. I chewed right through the socks to get to my nails. To make things worse, I developed a huge taste for wool.
I seriously believe we need a club for people who bite their fingernails.
Hey, women’s libbers have banded together. So have compulsive gamblers.
But, I ask you, what have fingernail biters done to call attention to their problem?
The answer is nothing.
There are no statistics I know of that tell us how many Americans bite their fingernails, but I’m sure there are millions.
Chronic fingernail biters are sneaky people. Rarely do they chew their fingernails in public. But leave a biter alone on an elevator and most of them will bite every time.
I seriously believe nail-biters are discriminated against.
You never see an avid nail-chewer doing a television commercial for wedding rings, do you?
They face other problems, too.
Most of the dimes you find on sidewalks around town were dropped by biters because they find it impossible to pick a dime off a sidewalk.
What I’m saying is simply this: If we had an organization for these people they wouldn’t have to walk the world alone and be rejected by others.
They could even publish a monthly newsletter called “Cuticle” – or some such thing – and they could have some bumper stickers made that say “Honk If You Bite Your Nails.”
As a former biter, I’d like to see those who still do it unite and finally bring their problem to the attention of the rest of the free world.
Chew on that idea for awhile.
Oops, sorry about that.
Bob Batz is an area resident and guest columnist. Contact Bob at firstname.lastname@example.org.