* Dear Diary: I had breakfast with a friend the other day at a local restaurant and when we were done eating and I pulled some money out of my pocket my friend shook his head and said “The yolk’s on me today.”
* Dear Diary: If your nose runs and your feet smell there’s a really good chance you are upside down.
* Dear Diary: Just when you think you’ve heard it all along comes a TV news story about a man and woman who used a stolen credit card to buy 18 packs of bubble gum and three pair of men’s jockey shorts at a local department store.
* Dear Diary: Speaking of oddball things, did you hear about the woman who put her 7-pound mixed-breed dog in a cardboard box with some dog food and a bowl of water and tried to ship the package to a friend. Airport officials headed off the package and after the opened the box they said the trip for the dog would have taken three days. They said the pooch would not have made it alive.
* Dear Diary: When I was a kid 10 cents was a lot of money. How dimes have changed.
* Dear Diary: You know you are overweight when you realize you are living beyond your seams.
* Dear Diary: Question: What do Smokey the Bear and Alexander the Great have in common? Answer: The same middle name.
* Dear Diary: I hear there is a restaurant that’s selling a “Tube Steak Sandwich.” It’s a all-beef hotdog.
* Dear Diary: Thought for the day: You have less chance of reaching 70 if your car does.
* Dear Diary: “May he rest in peace,” the minister said gravely. “I tore his valentine in two,” the woman said half-heartedly. “This isn’t real turtle soup,” the cook said mockingly.
Dear Diary: According to a recent TV newscast, 60 percent of all Americans lie about their ages.
Dear Diary: I just learned there is a company in Taiwan that makes dinnerware out of wheat so people can eat their plates.
Dear Diary: I bought one of those artificial fishing lures after seeing a commercial about them on TV and the first time I tried the lure I caught a dozen artificial fish.
Dear Diary: Strangest TV commercial I’ve seen in awhile: There’s this guy on TV who is fronting a commercial spot for a kitchen knife set and he promises one of the knives is sharp enough to cut a pineapple in mid-air. Huh?
Dear Diary: Speaking of TV ads, I saw another for a new brand of tennis shoes. They are $315. Jeez, I’ve had cars that didn’t cost that much.
Bob’s “Pun of the Day: ”Two burglars were leaving a bakery and one told the other “You take the cake.’
Bob Batz is a retired long-time journalist, area resident and guest columnist. Contact Bob at firstname.lastname@example.org.