Thanks a lot!

By Mel Grossman

November is the month in which we take time to give thanks for all the blessings and other stuff bestowed upon us during the year. But not necessarily all of the bestowed stuff. Some of it wasn’t what we ordered nor anticipated, and probably are not in the least thankful for. All of that un-ordered activity is neatly summed up in the bumper sticker: “Stuff Happens!” And if we’re lucky, it’s on someone else’s bumper.

I haven’t had “stuff” happen to me this year for a change, and for that I am truly lucky and very thankful. Well now, I take that back. I didn’t win the lottery, and I didn’t make a hole-in-one (for the last 42 years), but those would be stuff that didn’t happen that I wish had, but didn’t. On the other hand, I’m grateful for any good stuff that might come my way, and I will now manufacture some of the possibilities for you, believe them or not. You’d be wise to not.

— For our anniversary, our children will give us a new TV set that cannot be turned on until after breakfast. So we never have to watch the early morning expert talking heads, thereby avoiding morning “fake-news” indigestion. For that I will be most truly grateful. Thanks.

Note: Actually there is no such TV set. But, you can always buy a timer like the one you use to turn the outdoor Christmas lights on and off. Of course if you want to save money and frayed nerves, just don’t turn your set on in the a.m.

— For my birthday, just in case we should be tempted to try to override the morning fake news thingee addressed above, I hope to be given a new remote for my TV which just skips over all ‘fake news’ channels; then I will have one news channel and lots of sports, entertainment and movies to watch. More thanks.

Note: This too would be a ‘fake’ gift.

— For the Lil Missus who shares the remote, this Christmas there’ll be a a second TV under the tree for her, with all sports events blacked out. I can’t imagine anything so terrible as that, but she will be thankful. And I will be able to watch my Buckeyes and Cavaliers without guilt. Nope, I don’t watch the NFL and that goes back before Kaepernick (and now a ton of other gridiron millionaires who) decided to ‘take a knee’ during the playing of our national anthem. They just support my long-held belief that ‘real’ football is played by high school and college players.

— For Christmas, I have my fingers crossed. I hope to receive a black box for the TV that also eliminates all commercials including all the pharmaceuticals, and even the commercials that “non-commercial” PBS runs. Anyone for a cruise down the Danube? Yah, danka … and that goes for Viewers Like You too.

— On the other hand, at all times, I am grateful for the Choice Music Channel on my television because there is nothing more satisfying than listening to one’s favorite music any time of day. No faking here. Thanks again a lot.

— But there is more to life than TV, as most smart phone addicts will tell you. To help neuter that annoyance (especially the obsessed grocery “shoppers” prattling on with sisters, husbands and boyfriends while pretending to do what they are purportedly there to do), I’m desperately hoping for a second Christmas gift of a cell phone “disrupter” (I hope someone invents it soon) which sends out radio waves that render their’s useless within my hearing radius. Because when I am asking my wife on my phone about a grocery item I can’t find, it’s doggoned annoying to have someone talking on their phone in my other ear.

— The same “disrupter” hoped for above will also have the capacity to neuter one of the most annoying annoyances that I grimly face about every three hundred miles or so. Perhaps you’ll recognize it. When adding fuel to my 1908 Hupmobile, I like to round the dollar amount by stopping the fill-up at $.00 cents. When the total amount reaches :98 cents, I press the lever once more to round the amount to :00. Every cotton pickin,’ gas guzzlin’ time, it jumps to :01 Aaargh! #@$%^&!! Can you imagine the thousands (no, hundreds of thousands?) of dollars that the gasoline companies make per year with that little bit of technical skullduggery … without actually adding a penny’s worth of fuel to our tanks? Double aaargh !! And no thanks.

— On the other hand, and finally, I am truly thankful for this newspaper – our Xenia Gazette – which provides a little space in which for me to be grumpy once in a while — while also daily serving our community with news and information that makes all of us more well-informed and our area a better place in which to live. No fake news here. Thank you XG … and Happy Thanksgiving all.

By Mel Grossman

Mel Grossman is a local resident and guest columnist.

Mel Grossman is a local resident and guest columnist.